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Friday, May 8, 2015

I Was Just Thinking How Easy It Is For Me To Write Songs

I was just realizing how easy it is for me to write songs. I thought it was just another form of writing I stumbled upon.  But now that I think back, writing books was so hard for me-and I didn't even enjoy it.

When I see how magnificent it is that I can do this, I have to wonder why more people don't discuss this with me. I see that I'm #2 on the music site that I am a part of for Indie music, I had been #1 in another genre, but felt to constantly change this to something that would be harder to achieve because the numbers were just numerals sitting there-for quite a while-and didn't seem to bring me the rewards needed that comes with it.

As I do my affirmations towards this career, I have to stop and google to look at 1rst time older women singing artists-never mind successful-I felt as though I was in a 3rd world country with a wall up-I actually even felt a little fright and embarrassment just for looking when I saw the results-NOTHING... It shocked me. Was I still in my own world with my thoughts, or had I woken up to a world that had always existed this way?

I remember when I was younger fighting the stereotypes of secretarial and receptionist being my prototype-with so much creativity inside of me. Even at these times, to land sleeping on a wet floor of an abandoned apartment because of a boyfriend trying to show me a lesson, not letting me back home, sleeping with me. This went on as a forever decision-apparently I didn't get it. I thought this was all for real-an argument of my time to leave? With so many arguments to my prototype in this relationship, this is where I was left-very unknowingly to this too and confused. And perhaps not physically showing it boldly-don't know why I would have to do that, it is, or was, misunderstood as to who I am and how it fits into my life.

A teacher, a nurse, and a nun was outlined to me in grade school. As I ate real rice, that was suppose to signify authentic Chinese rice-in my bathrobe that I brought to school, the questions came around as to who we would be. "A nurse", I would say with a feeling of resistance and a bit of confusion to this, and a bit of confusion to my reactions to this from the questioner. Further along with years into high school, I started to learn more deeply the meaning of lyrics and that there were real people trying to tell us something behind these amazing musical melodies-it wasn't just sound! I was connecting with something for the first time in my life. This landed me in summer school.

With each new accomplishment every day, lining up my successes to further success, I feel such a strong feeling of accomplishment and clarity of connection with myself. And though I know my journey holds a strong stance in responsibility and ownership (ownership meaning if I'm ever going to do it)-I have to be honest with you, I can't think of myself anywhere else.

P.S. I was googling for a picture for this-you actually have to use the word, OLD.


by Lori Finnila aka Lori Jean
P.S.S. I thought she looked a little like me!

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